CONFLICTED OR BRAIN FOG?
by Lu Sobredo
It had to happen in February
In the shortest month of the year
When the weather does its best imitation
Of indecisive magician.
It’s winter coat weather at night
And early morn
Yet the afternoon sun beats on the skin
With a vengeance for a short spell
To announce spring is coming.
Fickleness surrounds fragility.
And in my head, fog floats in.
But unlike the iconic fog
Over the Golden Gate Bridge,
A photographer’s dream shot,
My brain fog is my personal nightmare.
Not to be mistaken for dementia, thank God
But disturbing, nonetheless,
Making one forget to connect to virtual meetings
Or take daily anti-inflammatory dosage of pills.
Yes, my loyal health conscientious friends,
I eat and drink anti-inflammatory food routinely
To help me as well. Naturally.
Ah, but the numbing pain later in the day,
a potent reminder that natural treatment is not enough.
A reminder of what I had forgotten.
But wait, did I forget?
How would I know with this fog?
And inside my head. Taking the dosage now
Could mean overmedicating.
Cause more harm.
Cause more fog production.
Cause the melancholy to slip deeper
Into the dark abyss with no option
Don’t make important decisions
When conflicted, I’m often reminded.
The indecision can be paralyzing
Literally in my case when joint pain flares,
A warring against every inch of me
Rendering the near-catatonic-me
Caught between health’s winter and spring
I dread these episodes.
Honestly, I resent them.
I mourn them.
I spill tears unnecessarily over them.
Losing more than my body’s motion.
Losing the person, I once knew,
Even loved. Unwelcome levitation
Ala out-of-body experience.
It might take only hours
But sometimes days for the fog to leave
Causing me to wonder
Did an uninvited growth inside the skull return?
Causing me to regret
of time and company and sensations
I may have missed out on in the meantime.
What misunderstandings had occurred?
What options there might have been
For finding meaning,
And finding the path to myself again?
©Poem by Lu Sobredo 2022
©Photo by James Sobredo 2018
(Photo taken in late 2018 at the hospital emergency room after finding out I had tumor under my skull. This was after my diagnosis of an autoimmune illness, Rheumatoid Arthritis, in 2013. Only my husband could capture these personal moments. Link to essays I wrote of my health journey: https://blog.lutravelsabroad.com/2019/01/world-in-motion-part-i.html)